A few of my favorite things, Christmas style

When I think about Christmas or talk about it with my friends, family or some random person that I deem fit; I picture myself as this little bundle of joy from Despicable Me. The enthusiasm she has towards this fluffy unicorn is parallel to the enthusiasm I have towards Christmas. Christmas is AWESOME. I have been told many a times I am the reincarnated Mrs. Claus, and I am a-okay with that! Now for most Christmas Enthusiasts who suffer from OCD, Obsessive Christmas Disorder, there are a lot of triggers to knowing Christmas is almost here. From the lights going up around the tree, or the smell of cinnamon pine cones here are a few of my favorite signs that Christmas is arriving.

1) Halloween is over. 

That means break out the Christmas Pandora station and get the decorations ready! Yes, I skip right over Thanksgiving. I mean, I love food, family time and yadda yadda yadda, but Thanksgiving is straight up a filler til you get to Christmas. 

2) Egg Nog. O.M.G. Egg Nog. There are a variety of flavors from pumpkin spice and vanilla. Egg Nog is dope. Even better than regular Egg Nog, spiked Egg Nog! Egg Nog is the shiznit. And the fact that it is only around for a few short months signifies that Christmas is almost near.

3) Christmas Commercials. Okay, everyone calm down! I know you have your favorite too. I mean, I have at least twenty favorite Christmas Commercials, but I will try my hardest to pick my top three favorites. 

Pretty much any Coca Cola Christmas Commercial. However this one with the seal, is one of my all time favorites. Seriously, how cute is that little bugger with the big ole eyes!

I mean, come on! This is a classic one. You hear those sweet little chocolate morsels playing their little bells and you get excited. Admit it! I know you do.

And of course, how could you leave this beaut out. I actually just saw this one on TV last night for the first time, and not gonna lie, I was wicked pumped.

4)Christmas Songs on the Radio. Well we all know what the number one Christmas song on the radio is, drum roll please!

Yep. Mariah Carey takes the cake when it comes to Christmas Songs. Judge all you wish! Her version of  All I want by Christmas is epic. Go ahead, click the link, listen to her beauteous voice and get in the Christmas Spirit people!

I also very much enjoy the 12 Days of Christmas parody that is played on the local radio stations. Cracks me up every time!

5) Christmas specials. Lifetime, ABC, Disney you name it, I will watch it. How can you go wrong with the movie plot of a girl falling in love with a man only to find out he is....SANTA! Brilliant. Also the movies they play around Christmas time are also key to getting into the Christmas Spirit and knowing Christmas is upon us:

• Elf
• Home Alone (first and second only, don't even try to watch the third)
• The Santa Claus (original is the best fo sho)
• The Grinch (original and Jim Carrey version)
• Polar Express
• Old School Claymation Christmas movies.
• Rudolph, Frosty and all the Gang!
• A Christmas story, obviously! But in order to get the FULL affect, you need to watch 24 hours of it.

The list could go on and on. I love watching all these movies. The ABC 25 Days til Christmas countdown is something I live for every year.

6) And the last but definitely not least sign of Christmas arriving. You kid (s) constantly yelling I WANT THAT! to the television. Unless the commercial for this POS toy:

I mean seriously. What the hell is this thing anyways? It is called The Ugglys Pug Electronic Best Friend? Awesome, it farts and burps? Got that covered, thanks!

So these are a few of my favorite signs that Christmas is approaching. It is almost just a month away. Here check this Christmas Countdown Clock out. Don't worry guys, I keep this app on my phone too : )

Obsessed you say? No, no no. I am dedicated!

Realizations

If you are under the age of 25, you are 21. If you are younger than 21 you are 12 and therefore you should be at home with your mommy and daddy. I am telling you, 21 year olds these days look so young! Born in 1992 and you can drink...LEGALLY? Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks.

They are not looking younger, I in fact, am getting OLDER.

Jesus Christmas! I remember when I was a 21 year old, wondering what kind of beer to order. Obviously it was between Coors Light and Bud Light, I mean I was 21...there weren't even any other beers on my radar. Lucky for me with my aging I have also introduced new beers into my life. Wachusett Blueberry and I are BFFs now, however it can be a love-hate relationship. Which brings me to my next realization.

Being hungover sucks ass.

When I first started drinking everything was great! I remember Tyler and his parties at his house in Hyannis, getting wasted off of 99 Bananas, making HILARIOUS life decisions and maybe even going for a dip in the ocean. I would stay up all night drinking my (because yes, I needed my own...duh) bottle of booze, sleep for maybe two hours? wake up, get some fresh air and a Dunkin Donuts egg, bacon and cheese on a bagel and call it a morning. I felt great! Wonderful! So full of life! 

Flash forward ten years and now after a "night" of partying it up (aka, two beers at a bar, okay I lied, two beers at home, I mean who has time to go out anymore?) I am so mother loving hungover the next morning I want to gouge my own eyes out with spoons to make the pain go away. What the hell did I ever do to you booze. We used to be the best of friends.

 And now this hangover I am talking about, it is NO joke. It is one of those "I hate my life" moments. One of the "What the FUCK was I thinking" moments. One of the "I swear to you God I will NEVER drink again if you make this go away" moments. And not only do I wish for a quick painless death for myself that next morning, but it keeps going. My hangovers are fueled by the mother effing energizer bunny. Morning, noon, night, the next morning, the next noon and you better believe me the next night. I am done. Comatose. And you want to know the hardest part? I am still mommy. And you best believe Cassidy and Zoey have found the most heinously obnoxious toy to play with.

I can't eat whatever I want anymore

I would have to say I was my skinniest Junior/Senior year of college. And you want to know how I kept my figure? Eating chicken fingers and pasta from alliot every night, drinking a 30 rack of bush light every weekend and never, I mean NEVER stepping foot inside of a gym. And to think, I thought I was so "fat" back then. Well getting older sucks. My metabolism has already changed immensely. Probably also due to the fact that I blew up like a overfilled tick when I was pregnant with Cassidy doesn't help either. When I talked to my doctor about it you want to know what he said to me? Peri-menopause. WHAT.THE.WHAT. Excuse me Mr. I have no idea what the hell I am talking about, but I am not even 30 yet. Yep. That was his response, which when I left his so called doctors office, I immediately called my mom to cry about it. And you want to know what she said? She just reconfirmed it. "Hate to break it to yah kid, but women in our family start going through that at a very young age". GREAT. AWESOME. love my life! 

However not all of my recent realizations are horrible. I have also realized that by the time both my kids are graduated from high school and on their ways to college I will be the ripe age of 44. Heck yes! And at that time I will be able to run free! I am hoping Ian and I can buy a house somewhere tropical and just leave all our worries behind. And I just had another realization, I am completely delusional. 

Mom Code

You ever watch that show girl code on MTV? It is beyond hysterical, there are so many moments while watching that show I shout out "I do that too!" or I immediately snap chat my best friend with a clip of something that just happen to us or her the other day. Hey remember that time you forgot to remove said plastic BEFORE inserting. Who was I snap chatting? That is for me to know and YOU to never figure out ;) Anyways, as I watch this show and laugh out loud to the point where my cat Penny is so annoyed she gets off the couch and walks away, I realized that everything I relate to is something that I have given up or not been able to do anymore because now I am a mom. So just to prove that moms have fun too ( it was actually kind of hard to believe that myself) I have put together a few of my own codes, Mom Codes.

I will never judge what your house looks like.
Let's face it, chances are our job requirements as a mom include but are not limited to feeding children, bathing children, dressing children, washing children's dirty laundry, washing children's dirty dishes, picking up after children and most importantly keeping children alive! So yah, if you figure out how to include all of the above PLUS everything else your supposed to be doing, get back to me. Because chances are you are the new wizard of Oz... (also, please feel free to insert husband/ baby daddy where the word children is)

I will always be jealous of "not being a mommy" sex.
Sex with your significant other used to be hours of fun. You would be all over the place, no surface area in your house was safe. Now that you are a mom you are lucky if you get out of the bedroom, hell let's be honest here you are lucky if you get any at all. BOB is your friend, learn to love him, because he will always love you.

I will never judge what you are wearing.
Are you wearing that out? The good old days of going out with your girlfriends. It used to take me hours to get ready for a night out, a perfectly planned outfit, incredibly stick straight hair and a pair of matching panties and bra (double score).  I was looking hawt and I knew it. Nowadays getting an outfit together takes about 6 minutes and probably includes leggings and or UGGS to boot.

I will never judge you by the way your kid acts.
Before I became a mom I would always think to myself "get those little shits under control people, you are failing miserably in the game of parenthood". Yep. Well jokes on me. Those "little shits" are programmed to act that way regardless the way you raise them. I like to think I am a pretty good mom, we have a pretty good balance of rules and fun. However, if Cassidy gets in one of her "moods" there is NO coming back. Everyone duck and take cover, mount Cassidy is about to blow!

I will husband/ baby daddy hate with you all day long.
Don't be that person that says they love their husband / baby daddy every freaking second of the day. It is not true! Yes I love my husband, but sometimes I want to throw a can of rotten tomatoes at him. Why rotten tomatoes? Have you ever smelled rotten tomatoes?! Case closed. Man hating is totes normal and much needed.


The list could go on and on. Girl Code is still by far one of the funniest television shows I have seen, and not gonna lie I would love for them to come up with a spin off about mothers. What are some of your codes?

Mama Bear Nicholson

I always was a...hm, how to put this...confrontational person. Growing up I learned quick that only you can defend yourself. I have never had a problem speaking up for myself, or defending myself and my loved ones. In college I swear my friends would start a fight knowing full well that I was there as the "enforcer". Molls remember that time that incredibly obnoxious freshman girl who had bravado bigger than her booty? Needless to say, that freshman did not bother us anymore... Now I am not here to promote fighting, I think fighting should be the last resort to all conflicts. However my mother did always say "if you are going to hit someone, make sure you hit them hard enough that it will be the last", and that is something I always did follow. See Ma, I do listen to you! I have to say looking back now, I wish I had handled myself better...but hey what is College for right?

Now that I am a mom, that urge to defend my loved ones is even stronger. Ever hear of Mama Bear syndrome? It is real I swear. I always said if my kids have a problem with a "bully" or "mean girl" I will have no problem defending them, by calmly addressing those little shits, I mean kids, parents. I have to say I have been lucky with the lack of bullying so far. Granted Zoey is in daycare and who are we kidding, she probably is the bully of her daycare stealing all the kids snacks and laughing while running away (mental note, work on that). As for Cassidy, she is in pre-school and you would think there wouldn't be any bullies. I mean how hard is life for a five year old, right?! 

Well something happened at a kids birthday party I was at a while ago. I had a mom say to me "oh YOU'RE Cassidy's mom." Whoa lady, who are you and why are you putting emphasis on me being my kid's mom? She then explained how her son and Cassidy do not get along. How her son talks about the fights they always get in. First off, this was the first time I had ever seen this woman, let alone had a conversation with her. And right off the bat she is talking about how her kid has a problem with mine? How about this, look at your kid over there that has another little girl in a headlock body slamming her on the bounce house. Should we address that first? I just stood there listening to her complain how my kid and her kid have issues, not ever once acknowledging her kid has a part in this "issue" just as much as mine. 

It took every ounce inside of me not to say something about her son. As much as I wanted to say how sucktastic of a kid he is towards Cassidy, I decided to just nod my head, smile and walk away. I was super proud of myself, my first "conflict" with another kid's parent and I did not flip my shiat. 

Instead I walked away, found the little punks candy bag and ate TWO whole pieces. So HA!

When I have kids

I will never do the following:

Co-Sleep
Don't you hear about those horror stories of people rolling over on top of their kid and suffocating them? I will never co-sleep when I am a mom, because my baby will sleep through the night in it's crib.

Give my baby formula
Haven't you heard of those crazy recalls with dead bugs or poison found in baby formula! Ugh, never will I give my kid formula. EVVVEEER!

Give them fast food
Do you know how gross fast food is? It is full of craptastic things that will only give my kids cancer or weight problems.

Vaccinate
Do you know vaccines can cause brain damage, mental/social disabilities such as autism and even death?! Didn't you ever read Jenny McCarthy's book?

Pick up my baby if they are crying
Don't you know this only makes the child dependent on you for it's well being? My child needs to know how to self soothe itself, or else I will cause irreversible damage to the child's independence and psyche.

Dress my kids the same
Each child is their own self, I will never dress my kids the same so they can let their personalities shine through their outfits!

Then I had kids. And let me tell you, all those things you swore you "would never do" is just a far distant, crazy memory.

How's that kid of yours that sleeps peacefully through the night? Yah, thoughts so. You will do just about anything to get a few hours of sleep, if that means co sleeping, BRING IT ON. You will be so sleep deprived you will brush your teeth with desatin, mix salt in your coffee and hate everyone who ever talks about having a "good nights rest".

Don't get me wrong I breastfed both of my kids and I wouldn't give that up for anything. But when you are sobbing hysterically because you spilled 5oz of pure gold (yes, pure gold), feel like a cow, or you just want one (okay five) stiff drinks before you lose it, formula looks like God in a powdery substance. Formula is not horrible. Let it be your choice, want to breastfeed? Awesome. Want to supplement with formula? Awesome.

Sometimes a drive through Wendys for a kids chicken nugget happens. Is it the best for your kid? Not in particular. But my piece of advice is get over it, and have a cheeseburger for yourself.

Vaccines are such a controversial subject these days. You have people who are either totally against it or totally for it. Call me a sucker but I vaccinate. Is there a scientific probability that your kid could develop something? Probably. But chances are they will just be one pissed off kid for a day, crabby and may have a fever. I would take that over Polio any day.

Pro cry it out method? That's great, but I just could not do that. Do you know how sad it is to see your little baby cry? That sad pathetic mommy I need you cry. It's not like they can communicate with you what they need, so they just let it out in adorably heart string pulling cries. Not to mention you hear your kid cry, or in fact any child cry, you will have to change your liquid gold soaked shirt. If I have created a cling-on for never letting them soothe themselves, whatever.

Dressing your kids the same. I would see photos of twins wearing the same outfit, or sisters or bothers dressing exactly alike. I would always think, oh they have one of "those" moms. Well you know what? Seeing them dress alike is pretty damn cute, and not to mention creates awesome photo moments. I am slowly turning into one of  "those" moms, and I am a-okay with it!

Bottom line. Anything you think having kids will be like is probably way off. You will do anything to survive the first few months (who am I kidding, years) and that may mean going against your pre-mommy ways. And then laughing hysterically at yourself for thinking those crazy things!

Seriously, already?!

It all started in January. All of a sudden being four mean't realizing other things around her. Questions upon questions. Then it happened. It was horrible. I did not know what to do, how to act, what to say? I was shocked, appalled and for once lost for words. Those six words I dreaded finally reared their ugly heads. 

"Mommy, where do babies come from?"

When I became a mother I promised myself I would never come up with foofy nicknames for things. It is called a vagina, not a flower. Now the fact that I still have not corrected Cassidy's way of saying vagina, doesn't mean she doesn't know what that word means. She just calls it a bahgina. I mean, come on, BAHgina?! How freaking hilarious is that?! I know I should correct her, but for once I am being completely selfish and enjoying the mispronunciation. Kind of like scissors, she says zissors. I make her repeat it on a daily basis just for my pure entertainment. Anyways, vaginas and penises. We all have one or the other and my opinion is each kid should know the correct term for it. I think I would be totally freaked out if my kid came up to me and said she did a good job wiping her Twinkie...good bye Twinkies, you will never be consumed again.

Anyways, I had to deal with this question. Where do babies come from. Think Samantha, think. These are the ideas I came up with:

1) A stork! yes, perfect. A bird came and dropped the kids off to the parents. Wait, she knows I am petrified of birds and I feel like this may lead to an epidemic of her searching the skies for birds carrying kids. Okay, next...

2) Magic! You just move a magic wand and poof you have a baby. Well, this is some what correct, there is a magic wand, or stick. I got the magic stick...

3) The truth. Okay fine kid. You are four, you can totally handle the truth. Kids come from inside their mommies. Sometimes mommy's have their belly cut open and the doctor pulls out the baby OR sometimes they came out of mommy's vagina. Either way it is the most excruciating pain in the world. And the blood, good god there is a lot of blood. It is gross and icky, and birthing people is a lot of hard work. 

"Hey Cass, want a lollipop?"

"Sure!"

Crisis averted.