Crafty Moms

So I am a "fan" of pinterest, aka I go on the site and sit there for hours pinning the shit out of everything. Oh hey 10 ways to a slimmer you, PIN THAT! Some kind of food with cheese in it PIN THAT too! I swear I pin almost everything and anything I come across, why? I seriously have no idea. But I think I may have learned some insight into why I am a pinning feign...

I want to be THAT crafty mom.

I will give it up to pinterest, there are tons of awesome crafting ideas on their website. They have everything from cute little paper cut out crafts to crazy building shit crafts. I mean as soon as I saw this bad boy:

I was hooked. I mean seriously, how freaking cool is this!? Who woulda thunk to tape crayons on top of a piece of paper and melt them with a hair dryer; viola masterpiece made! Well, let me tell you. It may look easy but it is not. Want to know why?

I live with a four year old and an 18 month old, I have a bajillion crayons. But I honestly do not think I have ONE that is a full crayon. They are all either broken in half or chewed on. Okay, off to the store time to buy more crayons. So then I have my fresh pack of 102 Crayola crayons (102 crayons you ask? I obviously wanted the big pack with the sparkle ones! OH, and for future parents don't waste your time buying anything other than Crayola crayons. You may feel torn because the Color Tech ones are at least five dollars cheaper but who are we kidding here, they suck. Royally) and now I am ready to be all crafty mom.Okay tape. Tape...tape? mother effer, I forgot in order for Cassidy to tape anything she needs legit an entire roll of tape. Do you know how hard it is to unwrap the presents she wraps for Christmas? I am talking it could take at least 6 minutes to unwrap the nail filer she stole out of my makeup bag. Great. So I have these stinking crayons and no tape. Now what? I decided back to the store we go to get some tape, as I am grabbing my coat and purse I notice something out of the corner of my eye. Zoey. She is facing the corner of the living room clearly up to NO good. I asked Cassidy to go check on her little sister and what followed was an ear piercing scream and Cassidy throwing herself to the ground. Little Miss Zoey decided she was going to take it upon herself to open the box of crayons and start eating them. 

Well that was it for me. I have come to terms that my potential career in becoming a crafty mom was over really before it even started. So now instead of pinning really cool craft things to do, I pin really awesome drinks to make. I mean right? You can't go wrong with vodka and juice. Maybe one day I will even freeze a plastic something in my ice cubes, that would be considered crafty, right?

I will give myself SOME credit though. This past weekend we did make some really cool hand turkeys for Thanksgiving. I mean, check mine out:

And yes, I did spell Gobble wrong. But seriously, what would be cooler than a turkey saying Gobble Gooble. Nothing. 

Realizations

If you are under the age of 25, you are 21. If you are younger than 21 you are 12 and therefore you should be at home with your mommy and daddy. I am telling you, 21 year olds these days look so young! Born in 1992 and you can drink...LEGALLY? Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks.

They are not looking younger, I in fact, am getting OLDER.

Jesus Christmas! I remember when I was a 21 year old, wondering what kind of beer to order. Obviously it was between Coors Light and Bud Light, I mean I was 21...there weren't even any other beers on my radar. Lucky for me with my aging I have also introduced new beers into my life. Wachusett Blueberry and I are BFFs now, however it can be a love-hate relationship. Which brings me to my next realization.

Being hungover sucks ass.

When I first started drinking everything was great! I remember Tyler and his parties at his house in Hyannis, getting wasted off of 99 Bananas, making HILARIOUS life decisions and maybe even going for a dip in the ocean. I would stay up all night drinking my (because yes, I needed my own...duh) bottle of booze, sleep for maybe two hours? wake up, get some fresh air and a Dunkin Donuts egg, bacon and cheese on a bagel and call it a morning. I felt great! Wonderful! So full of life! 

Flash forward ten years and now after a "night" of partying it up (aka, two beers at a bar, okay I lied, two beers at home, I mean who has time to go out anymore?) I am so mother loving hungover the next morning I want to gouge my own eyes out with spoons to make the pain go away. What the hell did I ever do to you booze. We used to be the best of friends.

 And now this hangover I am talking about, it is NO joke. It is one of those "I hate my life" moments. One of the "What the FUCK was I thinking" moments. One of the "I swear to you God I will NEVER drink again if you make this go away" moments. And not only do I wish for a quick painless death for myself that next morning, but it keeps going. My hangovers are fueled by the mother effing energizer bunny. Morning, noon, night, the next morning, the next noon and you better believe me the next night. I am done. Comatose. And you want to know the hardest part? I am still mommy. And you best believe Cassidy and Zoey have found the most heinously obnoxious toy to play with.

I can't eat whatever I want anymore

I would have to say I was my skinniest Junior/Senior year of college. And you want to know how I kept my figure? Eating chicken fingers and pasta from alliot every night, drinking a 30 rack of bush light every weekend and never, I mean NEVER stepping foot inside of a gym. And to think, I thought I was so "fat" back then. Well getting older sucks. My metabolism has already changed immensely. Probably also due to the fact that I blew up like a overfilled tick when I was pregnant with Cassidy doesn't help either. When I talked to my doctor about it you want to know what he said to me? Peri-menopause. WHAT.THE.WHAT. Excuse me Mr. I have no idea what the hell I am talking about, but I am not even 30 yet. Yep. That was his response, which when I left his so called doctors office, I immediately called my mom to cry about it. And you want to know what she said? She just reconfirmed it. "Hate to break it to yah kid, but women in our family start going through that at a very young age". GREAT. AWESOME. love my life! 

However not all of my recent realizations are horrible. I have also realized that by the time both my kids are graduated from high school and on their ways to college I will be the ripe age of 44. Heck yes! And at that time I will be able to run free! I am hoping Ian and I can buy a house somewhere tropical and just leave all our worries behind. And I just had another realization, I am completely delusional. 

Mom Code

You ever watch that show girl code on MTV? It is beyond hysterical, there are so many moments while watching that show I shout out "I do that too!" or I immediately snap chat my best friend with a clip of something that just happen to us or her the other day. Hey remember that time you forgot to remove said plastic BEFORE inserting. Who was I snap chatting? That is for me to know and YOU to never figure out ;) Anyways, as I watch this show and laugh out loud to the point where my cat Penny is so annoyed she gets off the couch and walks away, I realized that everything I relate to is something that I have given up or not been able to do anymore because now I am a mom. So just to prove that moms have fun too ( it was actually kind of hard to believe that myself) I have put together a few of my own codes, Mom Codes.

I will never judge what your house looks like.
Let's face it, chances are our job requirements as a mom include but are not limited to feeding children, bathing children, dressing children, washing children's dirty laundry, washing children's dirty dishes, picking up after children and most importantly keeping children alive! So yah, if you figure out how to include all of the above PLUS everything else your supposed to be doing, get back to me. Because chances are you are the new wizard of Oz... (also, please feel free to insert husband/ baby daddy where the word children is)

I will always be jealous of "not being a mommy" sex.
Sex with your significant other used to be hours of fun. You would be all over the place, no surface area in your house was safe. Now that you are a mom you are lucky if you get out of the bedroom, hell let's be honest here you are lucky if you get any at all. BOB is your friend, learn to love him, because he will always love you.

I will never judge what you are wearing.
Are you wearing that out? The good old days of going out with your girlfriends. It used to take me hours to get ready for a night out, a perfectly planned outfit, incredibly stick straight hair and a pair of matching panties and bra (double score).  I was looking hawt and I knew it. Nowadays getting an outfit together takes about 6 minutes and probably includes leggings and or UGGS to boot.

I will never judge you by the way your kid acts.
Before I became a mom I would always think to myself "get those little shits under control people, you are failing miserably in the game of parenthood". Yep. Well jokes on me. Those "little shits" are programmed to act that way regardless the way you raise them. I like to think I am a pretty good mom, we have a pretty good balance of rules and fun. However, if Cassidy gets in one of her "moods" there is NO coming back. Everyone duck and take cover, mount Cassidy is about to blow!

I will husband/ baby daddy hate with you all day long.
Don't be that person that says they love their husband / baby daddy every freaking second of the day. It is not true! Yes I love my husband, but sometimes I want to throw a can of rotten tomatoes at him. Why rotten tomatoes? Have you ever smelled rotten tomatoes?! Case closed. Man hating is totes normal and much needed.


The list could go on and on. Girl Code is still by far one of the funniest television shows I have seen, and not gonna lie I would love for them to come up with a spin off about mothers. What are some of your codes?