Realizations

If you are under the age of 25, you are 21. If you are younger than 21 you are 12 and therefore you should be at home with your mommy and daddy. I am telling you, 21 year olds these days look so young! Born in 1992 and you can drink...LEGALLY? Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks.

They are not looking younger, I in fact, am getting OLDER.

Jesus Christmas! I remember when I was a 21 year old, wondering what kind of beer to order. Obviously it was between Coors Light and Bud Light, I mean I was 21...there weren't even any other beers on my radar. Lucky for me with my aging I have also introduced new beers into my life. Wachusett Blueberry and I are BFFs now, however it can be a love-hate relationship. Which brings me to my next realization.

Being hungover sucks ass.

When I first started drinking everything was great! I remember Tyler and his parties at his house in Hyannis, getting wasted off of 99 Bananas, making HILARIOUS life decisions and maybe even going for a dip in the ocean. I would stay up all night drinking my (because yes, I needed my own...duh) bottle of booze, sleep for maybe two hours? wake up, get some fresh air and a Dunkin Donuts egg, bacon and cheese on a bagel and call it a morning. I felt great! Wonderful! So full of life! 

Flash forward ten years and now after a "night" of partying it up (aka, two beers at a bar, okay I lied, two beers at home, I mean who has time to go out anymore?) I am so mother loving hungover the next morning I want to gouge my own eyes out with spoons to make the pain go away. What the hell did I ever do to you booze. We used to be the best of friends.

 And now this hangover I am talking about, it is NO joke. It is one of those "I hate my life" moments. One of the "What the FUCK was I thinking" moments. One of the "I swear to you God I will NEVER drink again if you make this go away" moments. And not only do I wish for a quick painless death for myself that next morning, but it keeps going. My hangovers are fueled by the mother effing energizer bunny. Morning, noon, night, the next morning, the next noon and you better believe me the next night. I am done. Comatose. And you want to know the hardest part? I am still mommy. And you best believe Cassidy and Zoey have found the most heinously obnoxious toy to play with.

I can't eat whatever I want anymore

I would have to say I was my skinniest Junior/Senior year of college. And you want to know how I kept my figure? Eating chicken fingers and pasta from alliot every night, drinking a 30 rack of bush light every weekend and never, I mean NEVER stepping foot inside of a gym. And to think, I thought I was so "fat" back then. Well getting older sucks. My metabolism has already changed immensely. Probably also due to the fact that I blew up like a overfilled tick when I was pregnant with Cassidy doesn't help either. When I talked to my doctor about it you want to know what he said to me? Peri-menopause. WHAT.THE.WHAT. Excuse me Mr. I have no idea what the hell I am talking about, but I am not even 30 yet. Yep. That was his response, which when I left his so called doctors office, I immediately called my mom to cry about it. And you want to know what she said? She just reconfirmed it. "Hate to break it to yah kid, but women in our family start going through that at a very young age". GREAT. AWESOME. love my life! 

However not all of my recent realizations are horrible. I have also realized that by the time both my kids are graduated from high school and on their ways to college I will be the ripe age of 44. Heck yes! And at that time I will be able to run free! I am hoping Ian and I can buy a house somewhere tropical and just leave all our worries behind. And I just had another realization, I am completely delusional. 

Mom Code

You ever watch that show girl code on MTV? It is beyond hysterical, there are so many moments while watching that show I shout out "I do that too!" or I immediately snap chat my best friend with a clip of something that just happen to us or her the other day. Hey remember that time you forgot to remove said plastic BEFORE inserting. Who was I snap chatting? That is for me to know and YOU to never figure out ;) Anyways, as I watch this show and laugh out loud to the point where my cat Penny is so annoyed she gets off the couch and walks away, I realized that everything I relate to is something that I have given up or not been able to do anymore because now I am a mom. So just to prove that moms have fun too ( it was actually kind of hard to believe that myself) I have put together a few of my own codes, Mom Codes.

I will never judge what your house looks like.
Let's face it, chances are our job requirements as a mom include but are not limited to feeding children, bathing children, dressing children, washing children's dirty laundry, washing children's dirty dishes, picking up after children and most importantly keeping children alive! So yah, if you figure out how to include all of the above PLUS everything else your supposed to be doing, get back to me. Because chances are you are the new wizard of Oz... (also, please feel free to insert husband/ baby daddy where the word children is)

I will always be jealous of "not being a mommy" sex.
Sex with your significant other used to be hours of fun. You would be all over the place, no surface area in your house was safe. Now that you are a mom you are lucky if you get out of the bedroom, hell let's be honest here you are lucky if you get any at all. BOB is your friend, learn to love him, because he will always love you.

I will never judge what you are wearing.
Are you wearing that out? The good old days of going out with your girlfriends. It used to take me hours to get ready for a night out, a perfectly planned outfit, incredibly stick straight hair and a pair of matching panties and bra (double score).  I was looking hawt and I knew it. Nowadays getting an outfit together takes about 6 minutes and probably includes leggings and or UGGS to boot.

I will never judge you by the way your kid acts.
Before I became a mom I would always think to myself "get those little shits under control people, you are failing miserably in the game of parenthood". Yep. Well jokes on me. Those "little shits" are programmed to act that way regardless the way you raise them. I like to think I am a pretty good mom, we have a pretty good balance of rules and fun. However, if Cassidy gets in one of her "moods" there is NO coming back. Everyone duck and take cover, mount Cassidy is about to blow!

I will husband/ baby daddy hate with you all day long.
Don't be that person that says they love their husband / baby daddy every freaking second of the day. It is not true! Yes I love my husband, but sometimes I want to throw a can of rotten tomatoes at him. Why rotten tomatoes? Have you ever smelled rotten tomatoes?! Case closed. Man hating is totes normal and much needed.


The list could go on and on. Girl Code is still by far one of the funniest television shows I have seen, and not gonna lie I would love for them to come up with a spin off about mothers. What are some of your codes?

When I have kids

I will never do the following:

Co-Sleep
Don't you hear about those horror stories of people rolling over on top of their kid and suffocating them? I will never co-sleep when I am a mom, because my baby will sleep through the night in it's crib.

Give my baby formula
Haven't you heard of those crazy recalls with dead bugs or poison found in baby formula! Ugh, never will I give my kid formula. EVVVEEER!

Give them fast food
Do you know how gross fast food is? It is full of craptastic things that will only give my kids cancer or weight problems.

Vaccinate
Do you know vaccines can cause brain damage, mental/social disabilities such as autism and even death?! Didn't you ever read Jenny McCarthy's book?

Pick up my baby if they are crying
Don't you know this only makes the child dependent on you for it's well being? My child needs to know how to self soothe itself, or else I will cause irreversible damage to the child's independence and psyche.

Dress my kids the same
Each child is their own self, I will never dress my kids the same so they can let their personalities shine through their outfits!

Then I had kids. And let me tell you, all those things you swore you "would never do" is just a far distant, crazy memory.

How's that kid of yours that sleeps peacefully through the night? Yah, thoughts so. You will do just about anything to get a few hours of sleep, if that means co sleeping, BRING IT ON. You will be so sleep deprived you will brush your teeth with desatin, mix salt in your coffee and hate everyone who ever talks about having a "good nights rest".

Don't get me wrong I breastfed both of my kids and I wouldn't give that up for anything. But when you are sobbing hysterically because you spilled 5oz of pure gold (yes, pure gold), feel like a cow, or you just want one (okay five) stiff drinks before you lose it, formula looks like God in a powdery substance. Formula is not horrible. Let it be your choice, want to breastfeed? Awesome. Want to supplement with formula? Awesome.

Sometimes a drive through Wendys for a kids chicken nugget happens. Is it the best for your kid? Not in particular. But my piece of advice is get over it, and have a cheeseburger for yourself.

Vaccines are such a controversial subject these days. You have people who are either totally against it or totally for it. Call me a sucker but I vaccinate. Is there a scientific probability that your kid could develop something? Probably. But chances are they will just be one pissed off kid for a day, crabby and may have a fever. I would take that over Polio any day.

Pro cry it out method? That's great, but I just could not do that. Do you know how sad it is to see your little baby cry? That sad pathetic mommy I need you cry. It's not like they can communicate with you what they need, so they just let it out in adorably heart string pulling cries. Not to mention you hear your kid cry, or in fact any child cry, you will have to change your liquid gold soaked shirt. If I have created a cling-on for never letting them soothe themselves, whatever.

Dressing your kids the same. I would see photos of twins wearing the same outfit, or sisters or bothers dressing exactly alike. I would always think, oh they have one of "those" moms. Well you know what? Seeing them dress alike is pretty damn cute, and not to mention creates awesome photo moments. I am slowly turning into one of  "those" moms, and I am a-okay with it!

Bottom line. Anything you think having kids will be like is probably way off. You will do anything to survive the first few months (who am I kidding, years) and that may mean going against your pre-mommy ways. And then laughing hysterically at yourself for thinking those crazy things!