Breastiscles

Breasts. Tatas. Boobies. Jugs. Knockers...you get it right? All mammals have breasts. Men, women, gorillas...we've all got em. So my question is this...

What makes this okay

  And this not?

Believe me, I am not saying Channing Tatum shouldn't be photographed half naked...not even close, I am ALL FOR THAT. But to say that is okay, and the breastfeeding picture not, is somewhat incredibly hypercritical and sexist. If a woman has the cojones to publicly breastfeed, I am 100% in support of her. Breastfeeding is not meant to be sexual, provocative or dramatic. It is meant to feed and nourish a child. I am wondering if and when this "debate" will ever come to an end?

The fact that women are held to a "higher standard" when it comes to their body drives me nuts. I had a boyfriend back in college say to me "There is a difference between naked photos of a guy and a girl. Guys naked are funny, girls naked are sexual beings". SAY WHHHA?! I was shocked that he thought that, let alone said it out loud. A guy at the gym can prance around in shorts without anyone batting an eye, imagine a woman doing that. Lifting shirtless and bra less. I guarantee you, that woman would be asked to leave for sexual indecency.

I hope that breastfeeding women don't give into the "haters" of the breastfeeding world and still go on and do their thang. I mean look at this momma:

Now tell me, would you walk up to her and say put that away? Doubtful.

Facebook aka Who I wish I could be Book

Where to start? For me Facebook is a fun social media tool, using it to catch up with friends, some far some near. Posting pictures to show those a far moments of my life, special, funny, sad moments. What I have realized is that no matter how private you have your settings, it's exactly what it's meant to be....SOCIAL media. If there is something private in my life I am not going to post it, I mostly stay away from personal statuses. Why? Because it's my business, and I like to keep it that way. However, there are many people that air their dirty laundry and then get pissed when people have opinions about it. Crazy right? I would like to clarify a few things: this does not mean you have "haters" , or that people have nothing better to do than worry about you. Seriously? Are you THAT self-absorbed? If you constantly throw things in people's faces (aka posting statuses for all too see) people will talk about it. People having their own opinions....who woulda thunk! Drives me NUTS! Don't want people talking about it, stop posting it so all 1000 "friends" can see it. Seems a little too obvious, right?!

There are a few other things that drives me nuts on the book:

Happily Ever After BS. I recently saw a post with a link about a man being married and dating someone. I was super pumped, here is some steamy shit people! Alas, I was misled. Long story short, he wrote this whole thing about how he is married and is still dating his wife. Well la-ti-da. I can guarantee you this man has no young children. Regardless of all the date nights Ian and I have planned, maybe....MAYBE, 30 percent of the time it works out. The other 70 percent results in "watching a movie on the couch" aka falling asleep before 9pm with a bag of Cheetos and a pillow pet under your head. Maybe I am just cynical, but my thoughts on all these articles is it just puts pressure on our significant others. I am sure millions of women read this article and tagged their significant others in hopes that this would spark some kind of revelation in their dating minds. But all it really adds is pressure, and for me, ain't nobody got time for dat!

Sob Stories. I am sure you can pick a handful of stories that you read on facebook and just started bawling your eyes out. For me, it is the ones that have to do with animals. For example, the one with the dog. You know Tank. The dog that was left behind by the fallen solider. OH EM GEE. I read this at work. Yep, while chowing down on a bologna sandwich (remember I have kids, I don't get to eat chicken or turkey...its bologna) and I see this link to an article with a really cute dog on the front! Aww, puppy! Yah, well those mofo's wrote THE saddest story ever and lured all us innocent readers in with a cute photo on front. I couldn't stop though. I had to know what happened to Tank. By the end of the story, you know when he gets THREE balls, I was toast. A blubbering mess. If someone had walked in at that moment they would have thought someone died. Might as well of, I was sobbing hysterically! Well...hate to break it you people but that story isn't even true! DAMNIT. I cried for nothing. Touche sob story con artists touche. 

Chain Anything. If you don't repost this blog, the scary man from House of Wax is going to find you tonight and eat your toes. Yep, just your toes. Freaky, right?! I promise sharing a photo of a guy holding up a scratcher is not going to make you rich. Sharing a status about a free give away for an iPAD or Disney Cruise will not in fact allow you to actually win those things, what they do allow is for those marketing creepsters to get a hold of your personal information. Don't you think its quite suspect when the right hand side of your facebook posts ads for things you were just posting about. When I was pregnant, everything on the right hand side had to do with babies, when I got married, everything had to do with getting married. Kinda creepy now that I think about it....

So maybe I should clean out the proverbial friendships I have on facebook. Start fresh and new so this doesn't happen....

If I could see fun things on facebook from here on out that would be greatly appreciated. I love seeing photos of my friends kids, animals, husbands, third cousin twice removed! Family is awesome, it is great to be able to share that with people! Also funny jokes, I love that shit too. Or things that help you determine your stripper name, because let's face it, that is a VERY important thing to know.

Will facebook ever be drama free? Probably not, but the best thing about facebook is this button:

Mom Code

You ever watch that show girl code on MTV? It is beyond hysterical, there are so many moments while watching that show I shout out "I do that too!" or I immediately snap chat my best friend with a clip of something that just happen to us or her the other day. Hey remember that time you forgot to remove said plastic BEFORE inserting. Who was I snap chatting? That is for me to know and YOU to never figure out ;) Anyways, as I watch this show and laugh out loud to the point where my cat Penny is so annoyed she gets off the couch and walks away, I realized that everything I relate to is something that I have given up or not been able to do anymore because now I am a mom. So just to prove that moms have fun too ( it was actually kind of hard to believe that myself) I have put together a few of my own codes, Mom Codes.

I will never judge what your house looks like.
Let's face it, chances are our job requirements as a mom include but are not limited to feeding children, bathing children, dressing children, washing children's dirty laundry, washing children's dirty dishes, picking up after children and most importantly keeping children alive! So yah, if you figure out how to include all of the above PLUS everything else your supposed to be doing, get back to me. Because chances are you are the new wizard of Oz... (also, please feel free to insert husband/ baby daddy where the word children is)

I will always be jealous of "not being a mommy" sex.
Sex with your significant other used to be hours of fun. You would be all over the place, no surface area in your house was safe. Now that you are a mom you are lucky if you get out of the bedroom, hell let's be honest here you are lucky if you get any at all. BOB is your friend, learn to love him, because he will always love you.

I will never judge what you are wearing.
Are you wearing that out? The good old days of going out with your girlfriends. It used to take me hours to get ready for a night out, a perfectly planned outfit, incredibly stick straight hair and a pair of matching panties and bra (double score).  I was looking hawt and I knew it. Nowadays getting an outfit together takes about 6 minutes and probably includes leggings and or UGGS to boot.

I will never judge you by the way your kid acts.
Before I became a mom I would always think to myself "get those little shits under control people, you are failing miserably in the game of parenthood". Yep. Well jokes on me. Those "little shits" are programmed to act that way regardless the way you raise them. I like to think I am a pretty good mom, we have a pretty good balance of rules and fun. However, if Cassidy gets in one of her "moods" there is NO coming back. Everyone duck and take cover, mount Cassidy is about to blow!

I will husband/ baby daddy hate with you all day long.
Don't be that person that says they love their husband / baby daddy every freaking second of the day. It is not true! Yes I love my husband, but sometimes I want to throw a can of rotten tomatoes at him. Why rotten tomatoes? Have you ever smelled rotten tomatoes?! Case closed. Man hating is totes normal and much needed.


The list could go on and on. Girl Code is still by far one of the funniest television shows I have seen, and not gonna lie I would love for them to come up with a spin off about mothers. What are some of your codes?