Facebook aka Who I wish I could be Book

Where to start? For me Facebook is a fun social media tool, using it to catch up with friends, some far some near. Posting pictures to show those a far moments of my life, special, funny, sad moments. What I have realized is that no matter how private you have your settings, it's exactly what it's meant to be....SOCIAL media. If there is something private in my life I am not going to post it, I mostly stay away from personal statuses. Why? Because it's my business, and I like to keep it that way. However, there are many people that air their dirty laundry and then get pissed when people have opinions about it. Crazy right? I would like to clarify a few things: this does not mean you have "haters" , or that people have nothing better to do than worry about you. Seriously? Are you THAT self-absorbed? If you constantly throw things in people's faces (aka posting statuses for all too see) people will talk about it. People having their own opinions....who woulda thunk! Drives me NUTS! Don't want people talking about it, stop posting it so all 1000 "friends" can see it. Seems a little too obvious, right?!

There are a few other things that drives me nuts on the book:

Happily Ever After BS. I recently saw a post with a link about a man being married and dating someone. I was super pumped, here is some steamy shit people! Alas, I was misled. Long story short, he wrote this whole thing about how he is married and is still dating his wife. Well la-ti-da. I can guarantee you this man has no young children. Regardless of all the date nights Ian and I have planned, maybe....MAYBE, 30 percent of the time it works out. The other 70 percent results in "watching a movie on the couch" aka falling asleep before 9pm with a bag of Cheetos and a pillow pet under your head. Maybe I am just cynical, but my thoughts on all these articles is it just puts pressure on our significant others. I am sure millions of women read this article and tagged their significant others in hopes that this would spark some kind of revelation in their dating minds. But all it really adds is pressure, and for me, ain't nobody got time for dat!

Sob Stories. I am sure you can pick a handful of stories that you read on facebook and just started bawling your eyes out. For me, it is the ones that have to do with animals. For example, the one with the dog. You know Tank. The dog that was left behind by the fallen solider. OH EM GEE. I read this at work. Yep, while chowing down on a bologna sandwich (remember I have kids, I don't get to eat chicken or turkey...its bologna) and I see this link to an article with a really cute dog on the front! Aww, puppy! Yah, well those mofo's wrote THE saddest story ever and lured all us innocent readers in with a cute photo on front. I couldn't stop though. I had to know what happened to Tank. By the end of the story, you know when he gets THREE balls, I was toast. A blubbering mess. If someone had walked in at that moment they would have thought someone died. Might as well of, I was sobbing hysterically! Well...hate to break it you people but that story isn't even true! DAMNIT. I cried for nothing. Touche sob story con artists touche. 

Chain Anything. If you don't repost this blog, the scary man from House of Wax is going to find you tonight and eat your toes. Yep, just your toes. Freaky, right?! I promise sharing a photo of a guy holding up a scratcher is not going to make you rich. Sharing a status about a free give away for an iPAD or Disney Cruise will not in fact allow you to actually win those things, what they do allow is for those marketing creepsters to get a hold of your personal information. Don't you think its quite suspect when the right hand side of your facebook posts ads for things you were just posting about. When I was pregnant, everything on the right hand side had to do with babies, when I got married, everything had to do with getting married. Kinda creepy now that I think about it....

So maybe I should clean out the proverbial friendships I have on facebook. Start fresh and new so this doesn't happen....

If I could see fun things on facebook from here on out that would be greatly appreciated. I love seeing photos of my friends kids, animals, husbands, third cousin twice removed! Family is awesome, it is great to be able to share that with people! Also funny jokes, I love that shit too. Or things that help you determine your stripper name, because let's face it, that is a VERY important thing to know.

Will facebook ever be drama free? Probably not, but the best thing about facebook is this button:

Crafty Moms

So I am a "fan" of pinterest, aka I go on the site and sit there for hours pinning the shit out of everything. Oh hey 10 ways to a slimmer you, PIN THAT! Some kind of food with cheese in it PIN THAT too! I swear I pin almost everything and anything I come across, why? I seriously have no idea. But I think I may have learned some insight into why I am a pinning feign...

I want to be THAT crafty mom.

I will give it up to pinterest, there are tons of awesome crafting ideas on their website. They have everything from cute little paper cut out crafts to crazy building shit crafts. I mean as soon as I saw this bad boy:

I was hooked. I mean seriously, how freaking cool is this!? Who woulda thunk to tape crayons on top of a piece of paper and melt them with a hair dryer; viola masterpiece made! Well, let me tell you. It may look easy but it is not. Want to know why?

I live with a four year old and an 18 month old, I have a bajillion crayons. But I honestly do not think I have ONE that is a full crayon. They are all either broken in half or chewed on. Okay, off to the store time to buy more crayons. So then I have my fresh pack of 102 Crayola crayons (102 crayons you ask? I obviously wanted the big pack with the sparkle ones! OH, and for future parents don't waste your time buying anything other than Crayola crayons. You may feel torn because the Color Tech ones are at least five dollars cheaper but who are we kidding here, they suck. Royally) and now I am ready to be all crafty mom.Okay tape. Tape...tape? mother effer, I forgot in order for Cassidy to tape anything she needs legit an entire roll of tape. Do you know how hard it is to unwrap the presents she wraps for Christmas? I am talking it could take at least 6 minutes to unwrap the nail filer she stole out of my makeup bag. Great. So I have these stinking crayons and no tape. Now what? I decided back to the store we go to get some tape, as I am grabbing my coat and purse I notice something out of the corner of my eye. Zoey. She is facing the corner of the living room clearly up to NO good. I asked Cassidy to go check on her little sister and what followed was an ear piercing scream and Cassidy throwing herself to the ground. Little Miss Zoey decided she was going to take it upon herself to open the box of crayons and start eating them. 

Well that was it for me. I have come to terms that my potential career in becoming a crafty mom was over really before it even started. So now instead of pinning really cool craft things to do, I pin really awesome drinks to make. I mean right? You can't go wrong with vodka and juice. Maybe one day I will even freeze a plastic something in my ice cubes, that would be considered crafty, right?

I will give myself SOME credit though. This past weekend we did make some really cool hand turkeys for Thanksgiving. I mean, check mine out:

And yes, I did spell Gobble wrong. But seriously, what would be cooler than a turkey saying Gobble Gooble. Nothing. 

Sigh, nostalgia

I was recently talking ( just kidding texting...I despise talking on the phone) to one of my best friends who recently had a ridiculously cute baby girl. As we were talking about the new bundle of joy, labor and being welcomed into mommyhood I became insanely nostalgic. There is really nothing that can compare to meeting your baby for the very first time. Looking into their eyes, smelling that amazing new baby smell (I would totally buy a car freshener of that smell, is that weird?) And rubbing your chin on their incredibly soft head of hair or in Zoey's case lack of. So feeling all nostalgic I figured I would compile some of the things I learned when being welcomed into mommyhood:

1. Finding true love

There is no love like a mother's love for her child. Be it her first or 21st ( That crazy baby birthing machine is trying for numero 21, right?) The love you have for someone you have only just met is consuming. I remember thinking, yep I could kill anyone who tried to hurt this child. Mama Bear power go! She was the true love of my life, someone I had created and someone who I will always love.

2. You will always be scared

Not like boo, AHH! scared. But anything involving a child is now so close to home scared. I realized this when I was watching some random animal planet tv show of a anaconda eating an alligator. Wait, I am laughing just writing this because that is a true story. I was totally watching something that weird. Anyways, I was so freaked out after because I was thinking of what I would do if I ever encountered one of these mammoth snakes? And what if the girls were with me?! Because that could totally happen. A bear once visited Cape Cod, so what's stopping a anaconda?! Crazy I tell yah, crazy.

3. You will lose touch with some people

After I had Cassidy I suddenly felt like my life was complete. I didn't need the things I once needed. Like 900+ Facebook friends. I mean seriously, did I know all of those people? No way! Half of them I couldn't even tell you HOW I even kind of knew them. So I got the big eraser, metaphorically speaking that is, and erased my friend list to half of what it was. I kept people I was still interesting in staying in contact with because I didn't want just anyone to know that Cassidy had her first poop in the big girl toilet, I mean that is some serious sentimental shit right there. The other thing I realized is that some people in my life were just plain bad influences, and it wasn't just me anymore. I had someone who was going to be looking up to me for advice and right vs wrong, so those wrong people in my life got da boot.

4. I never was really as exhausted like I claimed to be.

There is NO tired like new mommy tired. Now sometimes this can last only a few short weeks or months like with Cassidy. She was a great baby, sleeping through the night by a month old, I am talking 8 plus hours here people. Or it can last what seems forever. Zoey is on month 18 of her life and still this child is a terrible sleeper. I think she has slept completely through the night three times in her life, and all three I was not home....touché Zoey, touché.

But most importantly, the thing that I learned the most and what got me through some of the hardest times is recognizing how kick ass I actually am! I mean I created two people inside me, had not only one but two labors (what was I thinking....) And have kept both of my girls safe and happy (most of the time).

So, kuddos to all mommys out there, be it your 1st, 2nd or 21st you are all kick ass!! What is something you treasured learning when becoming a mommy?

Seriously, already?!

It all started in January. All of a sudden being four mean't realizing other things around her. Questions upon questions. Then it happened. It was horrible. I did not know what to do, how to act, what to say? I was shocked, appalled and for once lost for words. Those six words I dreaded finally reared their ugly heads. 

"Mommy, where do babies come from?"

When I became a mother I promised myself I would never come up with foofy nicknames for things. It is called a vagina, not a flower. Now the fact that I still have not corrected Cassidy's way of saying vagina, doesn't mean she doesn't know what that word means. She just calls it a bahgina. I mean, come on, BAHgina?! How freaking hilarious is that?! I know I should correct her, but for once I am being completely selfish and enjoying the mispronunciation. Kind of like scissors, she says zissors. I make her repeat it on a daily basis just for my pure entertainment. Anyways, vaginas and penises. We all have one or the other and my opinion is each kid should know the correct term for it. I think I would be totally freaked out if my kid came up to me and said she did a good job wiping her Twinkie...good bye Twinkies, you will never be consumed again.

Anyways, I had to deal with this question. Where do babies come from. Think Samantha, think. These are the ideas I came up with:

1) A stork! yes, perfect. A bird came and dropped the kids off to the parents. Wait, she knows I am petrified of birds and I feel like this may lead to an epidemic of her searching the skies for birds carrying kids. Okay, next...

2) Magic! You just move a magic wand and poof you have a baby. Well, this is some what correct, there is a magic wand, or stick. I got the magic stick...

3) The truth. Okay fine kid. You are four, you can totally handle the truth. Kids come from inside their mommies. Sometimes mommy's have their belly cut open and the doctor pulls out the baby OR sometimes they came out of mommy's vagina. Either way it is the most excruciating pain in the world. And the blood, good god there is a lot of blood. It is gross and icky, and birthing people is a lot of hard work. 

"Hey Cass, want a lollipop?"

"Sure!"

Crisis averted.