Content

"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."

~Lao Tzu

I used to fear being content. The definition itself is "to be contained". Saying that I am content in my life made me feel like I was leaving something out, missing out on life somehow. Settling. 

When I was younger, probably around sixteen or so, I decided I was never going to get married. Seeing my parents go through a horrible, ugly divorce sealed that deal for me. A family ripped apart, a love turned cold how that all just happened in a blink of an eye freaked me out (still does to this day). Had my parents just settled? We're they not happy together, maybe they were just acting content. So in my super mature sixteen year old brain, I vowed to myself to never be content. Always reach higher, be bigger and better, make more money, have more friends, more,more and more. I remember in college feeling like I was content, I freaked out and completely turned my life upside down. The turmoil and conflict made me feel at peace. How weird is that?! I had something to "fix". I thrived off of "fixing" things. My mom always told me I picked guys in my life I could "fix" and as soon as they were "fixed" or should we say content, I was done. Peace out home dawg, good luck in your life! 

Now, being twenty-seven I look back to the sixteen year old me and wish I could tell her that it will be okay. Being content is not bad. Being content with what you have is happiness, nothing less. Before finding out I was pregnant with Cassidy I had big plans. Move to Boston, work at Langham International Hotel in the HR department and within six months I would be traveling, New Zealand, Tokoyo all of the international locations. I was so excited. Finding out I was pregnant I had to resign from my "perfect job" without being able to even have my first day. I was actually quite devastated. Finding out I was going to become a mother has got to the one of THE scariest moments of my life. How was I going to be a good mother and raise a child? I myself felt like I still had so much living and learning to do. But when push came to shove (get, it?) and Cassidy was born something in me changed, there was this click. Looking at her perfect face, those big beautiful dark dark brown eyes was life changing. This was a little person, my little person. All the turmoil and conflict I had previously brought upon myself did not matter anymore. I was happy. I was content. I was mommy.

That was the first time in a long, long time that I actually felt content, and was content with that feeling! I have to say it was a great feeling. From that moment on I have been trying my hardest to keep that great feeling. When my work day is over, kids are fed, bathed and put down for the night, I sit on the couch and just kind of look around. I am content. There are urges inside I still have to fight from erupting chaos throughout my life and just let myself feel this happiness. Believe me, it is not all sunshine and rainbows. Life is hard, motherhood is tough, marriage is always a work in progress...but you know what? That is okay with me. I have to be happy with what I DO have, rather than reaching out for more. I have to be content with my life, and in return with me. I am still learning each day, but one thing I will do more is just be content. And enjoy those moments.

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