To The Asshole Mom Lurking In My Facebook Moms’ Group

Thanks for always being there.

No. Seriously. Re read that in your head. To the asshole mom lurking in my facebook moms' group, thanks for always being there. Thank you for always remembering to say the truth. Okay, let me back up here and explain...

Imagine this. I was casually perusing facebook on my lunch break, okay I lied. It wasn't exactly a lunch break, it was just a mental break. Fuck it, I just wanted to look on facebook. Okay, I digress. I was casually perusing facebook and happened across a post in one of the moms' groups I am part of. Usually I pay no attention to these for a multitude of reasons, but this one caught my eye. This woman's child had gotten into some medication and the woman was wondering if people could give her advice.

Now let me get this straight. Your kid got into medication and you are asking a group of women on facebook if they have any advice for you?? Right. Cause this is making total sense. Some sensible mother wrote something along the lines of "get off facebook and call poison control". I nodded in agreement. Seriously. GET OFF FACEBOOK AND CALL POISON CONTROL LADY. DUH. That was the first thing I thought of too! Well, let me tell you. That woman might as well said she was going to kill everyone's goldfish. These women jumped on her so fast! 

Some of the most memorable things I remember seeing:

"Don't be so judging, you bitch"

"I will pray for you"

"Oh sorry, you must be a perfect mother"

"She was just coming here for advice. Don't worry, your child will be just fine"

and my favorite "WebMD said...."

I was literally sitting at my desk, smh. (By the way that means "shaking my head", I just found that out a few months ago and it totally changed my life. ) Why was it wrong for her to say what she said? The name calling, bashing and total hypocrisies went on for far too long. If I hadn't been working I would so have gotten myself a beer and just watched it all unfold...move over RHOBH, my facebook moms' group has it covered!  

If you post something on facebook asking for advice, be prepared for advice. I mean, you asked for it...didn't you? Now the funny thing about advice is it might not be what you want to hear. I want to loose some weight, people told me to stop eating chips and chocolate...definitely NOT what I wanted to hear but hey, it was their advice! Did I freak out on them? No. And was it the truth? Begrudgingly, yes. 

So. Bottom of the line. Moral of the Story. Do not. And I repeat, DO NOT post asking for advice if you are not ready to receive said advice. There will always be that one asshole mother who tells you what you really need to hear...the truth.

I did it AGAIN

Man. I am so bad at following through with this blog. It seems I have come and gone over the past 6 years with this blog. Its quite comical to read back to older blog posts I wrote. Somethings were a lot more fun back than, or perhaps just easier.
Life is....well, life. Busy. Stupidly busy. I am finally really focusing on my career. It took me years after graduating college to finally say yes to my dad and start getting involved in his business. Looking back now, I wish I had just put my ego aside and said yes from the jump...I guess that's why they say hindsight is 20/20. Anyways, I have worked my way up so far from bookkeeping to small jobs and marketing manager. I wear multiple hats in this business, but honestly I prefer it that way. I haven't quite found my niche yet. I am taking classes right now to become certified in kitchen and bath design, which I am loving! I miss taking classes (sophomore me is shaking her head while chugging busch light and playing beruit). I love learning about all the design and construction aspects. I really thought I would gravitate more towards the design aspect, but I think I am enjoying the construction aspect more. Reminds me of wedding dress buying, I was DEADSET on a princess ball gown, came out with a stunning mermaid dress. Go figure.
Anyways, life is life. Busy.. Stupidly busy. Kids are great. Time consuming, complete fatigue inducing, makes you wonder if you belong in a looney bin, but great.

Cassidy is 6 going on 26. Seriously, she has skipped her teenage years and went straight to adult hood. This kid is seriously smart. Not only book smart, just wise. Wise beyond her years at times. She gives me a run for my money, that's for damn sure. She is me. Exactly like me. The only thing I wise for her is she doesn't make the same mistakes I did. I have made it a huge point to make sure her assertiveness is just that and not meanness, her independence stays that and doesn't turn into egotistical. Her confidence, man that is a big one. I want her to be confident in herself more than anything. I struggled with that so much when I was in my late teens, early twenties and made some really bad choices. I know each person is different and she isn't exactly like me, but I won't miss the chance to tell her how wonderful she is and how proud I am of her, ever.

 

Then there is this one. Zoey mothereffing Leigh Nicholson. This kid is something fierce. I knew she was going to be a tough cookie from the first time I laid eyes on her, well actually before I even laid eyes on her. I always said she will be the kid running naked, playing in mud and throwing left hooks. Damn, I was so right. She can be a total beast at times, she doesn't quite understand that "no" isn't a life long punishment. For being such a strong willed kid she is also just as sensitive. When I do get my Zozo cuddles, nothing can top them. But man is she stingy.

As you see can, hubby and I have got our hands full. My job, his job, our little ladies. Doesn't leave much time for much of anything else. But that is okay. It's got to be okay. Like any other young family living on Cape Cod (or anywhere probably) money is tight and I am looking forward to the days where it isn't so stressful. Ian and I have worked really hard to get where we are right now, and things are really looking up financially. It's good to finally feel like things are going uphill in a perpetual motion, rather than up some then big downfalls. But that can change so quickly as we all know. Nothing in life is final. Everything can change. For now, I am embracing the positive changes I have made in my life and looking forward to the good things coming our way.
Like Arizona. Mid April we will be flying out to visit Ian's dad and his wife and we all could not be more excited about it. The sun, the spa, the pool and of course the food. I hear they got some seriously good food out there. Our first family vacation, should be eventful none the less!

Breastiscles

Breasts. Tatas. Boobies. Jugs. Knockers...you get it right? All mammals have breasts. Men, women, gorillas...we've all got em. So my question is this...

What makes this okay

  And this not?

Believe me, I am not saying Channing Tatum shouldn't be photographed half naked...not even close, I am ALL FOR THAT. But to say that is okay, and the breastfeeding picture not, is somewhat incredibly hypercritical and sexist. If a woman has the cojones to publicly breastfeed, I am 100% in support of her. Breastfeeding is not meant to be sexual, provocative or dramatic. It is meant to feed and nourish a child. I am wondering if and when this "debate" will ever come to an end?

The fact that women are held to a "higher standard" when it comes to their body drives me nuts. I had a boyfriend back in college say to me "There is a difference between naked photos of a guy and a girl. Guys naked are funny, girls naked are sexual beings". SAY WHHHA?! I was shocked that he thought that, let alone said it out loud. A guy at the gym can prance around in shorts without anyone batting an eye, imagine a woman doing that. Lifting shirtless and bra less. I guarantee you, that woman would be asked to leave for sexual indecency.

I hope that breastfeeding women don't give into the "haters" of the breastfeeding world and still go on and do their thang. I mean look at this momma:

Now tell me, would you walk up to her and say put that away? Doubtful.

Friends, so where do you fall?

Everyone has a core group of friends. Friends that will and have been there for you no matter what. You could have killed their cat and they would still love you... well maybe, I mean if I killed one of Kate's cats I am pretty sure she would hate me because her cats are her babies, but I think she would forgive me... shit, Kate would you forgive me? Man, ummm...never mind, she would forgive me, yah totally.

Anyways...

Everyone has a core group of friends. I have realized my "core" group of friends was far larger in college than it is now, but back then you wanted to fit in and be cool with everyone, so it didn't matter if Rando #1 had tuna fish breath constantly, because she was actually being friendly with you, and when your parents called to see if you were still alive you could say you had made a "friend". I have to say though, I did have some pretty awesome friends in college, but as time went on you realize you have less and less in common with people you couldn't imagine living without at one point in your life. There are many factors that contribute to this:

• distance
• life choices
• kids
• marriage
• job

Now none of these five things are bad things per say. But all five really put friendships to the test. Making time to talk to one another, finding things to relate to once you aren't around each other at all times anymore. I can tell you one thing, if you can go a full month without once picking up your phone to call, text, facebook, tweet, snapchat (you get my point right?) a "friend", they aren't a friend. Hate to break it to yah, but that is the truth. Now there are a few exceptions to this rule I follow. Actually that is not true, for me there is one. She knows who she is, someone I can not talk to for months, but no matter what, when we do speak it is as if no time has passed. But I digress...

Now with all the factors, aka life, I have condensed my excessive group of core friends. Doesn't matter if you have 20 core friends or 4, those friends will get you through the worst and happiest of times. Something I have noticed is that every group of friends is there is always "that" friend. You know, THAT friend. Well for me I have a bunch of "that" friends. I think there are different varieties of "that" friend. All of which I have encountered, and chances are some that you may read and think... " Hey that sounds like Sam!"

The Unicorn

Who wouldn't want to be the unicorn, right?! You know when you have this big old party planned out or a night dancing, you gather all your friends in a group text or facebook invite, but you stop at one name in particular. Should you proceed with the invitation? Or are they just going to never respond, or come up with some excuse as to why they can not partake. This my friend, is the unicorn. They are super elusive. 9 times out of 10 they decline or ignore your invitation. HOWEVER, when they do make it out to an event it is like all hell breaks loose. Just their presence is euphoric. 

The Drama Queen
This category is pretty self explanatory. We all have a friend that no matter what is happening, they will make it bigger and crazier. Most of the time the Drama Queen doesn't even recognize them self as one, and let's get this straight...Drama Queens are not always women...let me tell you, some of my guy friends has and have been THE biggest drama queens EVER.

The One-Upper
Oh you just got a promotion? Yah!? Well I got a promotion too AND a new office. Oh you are getting married? Me TOO, and I am having a baby! No matter what you say this person is always in "winning" mode. Nothing is safe around this person and chances are this friendship will be short lived unless they realize their obnoxious ways.

The Disco Globe
It's not a party until you turn on the disco globe. That is exactly what this category is, the friend that IS the party. No matter who you are with, what you are doing or where you are doing it...this friend makes it just that much more fun!

The Mom

Need a shoulder to cry on? This category is the way to go. A mom away from mom. Sometimes overprotective and overbearing, but they always mean well!

The Eeyore
No matter what, this person will always have a negative outtake on anything and everything. This friend constantly needs a pick me up and chances are they never work.

The Samantha
Everyone knows who Samantha from Sex and The City is, and chances are you have a friend that is this character to the TEE. "I can't color enough, I would color all day every day if I had my way, I would use every crayon in my box." 

The Prodigy
They have the "perfect" family, house, job, dog, car, etc. So with all this amazingness they have, they are usually really freaking nice and pretty to boot. I not so secretly envy this friend.

The Mouth
You will never confide in this person, but it is always nice to hear what they have to say...let's be honest here...EVERYONE likes some good gossip, don't pretend like you don't.

The Lifer
Someone you have been friends with FOREVER, and you talk about the times you will spend as little old ladies, on the front porch in matching moo-moos, rocking in your chairs laughing about all the crazy shit you did when you were younger.

The list could go on and on, there are so many different types of friends, some good, some bad. Regardless of their connotation, a friend is a friend. Some of them come in our lives to teach us a lesson, some come in our lives to have a lesson be taught. Some you think you will be BFFs forever and it only lasts a few years or so, and others you had no idea how important they would become to you. Friends are the family we choose. So, where do you think you fall in the friend categories?

Facebook aka Who I wish I could be Book

Where to start? For me Facebook is a fun social media tool, using it to catch up with friends, some far some near. Posting pictures to show those a far moments of my life, special, funny, sad moments. What I have realized is that no matter how private you have your settings, it's exactly what it's meant to be....SOCIAL media. If there is something private in my life I am not going to post it, I mostly stay away from personal statuses. Why? Because it's my business, and I like to keep it that way. However, there are many people that air their dirty laundry and then get pissed when people have opinions about it. Crazy right? I would like to clarify a few things: this does not mean you have "haters" , or that people have nothing better to do than worry about you. Seriously? Are you THAT self-absorbed? If you constantly throw things in people's faces (aka posting statuses for all too see) people will talk about it. People having their own opinions....who woulda thunk! Drives me NUTS! Don't want people talking about it, stop posting it so all 1000 "friends" can see it. Seems a little too obvious, right?!

There are a few other things that drives me nuts on the book:

Happily Ever After BS. I recently saw a post with a link about a man being married and dating someone. I was super pumped, here is some steamy shit people! Alas, I was misled. Long story short, he wrote this whole thing about how he is married and is still dating his wife. Well la-ti-da. I can guarantee you this man has no young children. Regardless of all the date nights Ian and I have planned, maybe....MAYBE, 30 percent of the time it works out. The other 70 percent results in "watching a movie on the couch" aka falling asleep before 9pm with a bag of Cheetos and a pillow pet under your head. Maybe I am just cynical, but my thoughts on all these articles is it just puts pressure on our significant others. I am sure millions of women read this article and tagged their significant others in hopes that this would spark some kind of revelation in their dating minds. But all it really adds is pressure, and for me, ain't nobody got time for dat!

Sob Stories. I am sure you can pick a handful of stories that you read on facebook and just started bawling your eyes out. For me, it is the ones that have to do with animals. For example, the one with the dog. You know Tank. The dog that was left behind by the fallen solider. OH EM GEE. I read this at work. Yep, while chowing down on a bologna sandwich (remember I have kids, I don't get to eat chicken or turkey...its bologna) and I see this link to an article with a really cute dog on the front! Aww, puppy! Yah, well those mofo's wrote THE saddest story ever and lured all us innocent readers in with a cute photo on front. I couldn't stop though. I had to know what happened to Tank. By the end of the story, you know when he gets THREE balls, I was toast. A blubbering mess. If someone had walked in at that moment they would have thought someone died. Might as well of, I was sobbing hysterically! Well...hate to break it you people but that story isn't even true! DAMNIT. I cried for nothing. Touche sob story con artists touche. 

Chain Anything. If you don't repost this blog, the scary man from House of Wax is going to find you tonight and eat your toes. Yep, just your toes. Freaky, right?! I promise sharing a photo of a guy holding up a scratcher is not going to make you rich. Sharing a status about a free give away for an iPAD or Disney Cruise will not in fact allow you to actually win those things, what they do allow is for those marketing creepsters to get a hold of your personal information. Don't you think its quite suspect when the right hand side of your facebook posts ads for things you were just posting about. When I was pregnant, everything on the right hand side had to do with babies, when I got married, everything had to do with getting married. Kinda creepy now that I think about it....

So maybe I should clean out the proverbial friendships I have on facebook. Start fresh and new so this doesn't happen....

If I could see fun things on facebook from here on out that would be greatly appreciated. I love seeing photos of my friends kids, animals, husbands, third cousin twice removed! Family is awesome, it is great to be able to share that with people! Also funny jokes, I love that shit too. Or things that help you determine your stripper name, because let's face it, that is a VERY important thing to know.

Will facebook ever be drama free? Probably not, but the best thing about facebook is this button:

Caillou is French for Eff You.

Seeing my girls grow up is amazing. There is really nothing that compares to being a mom. They learn new things everyday, such as spelling. I can't spell anything in front of Cassidy anymore. I was talking on the phone a few days back and said someone was "d-y-i-n-g", Cassidy looks at me and says "who is dying momma?"...fail. Zoey is talking more and more and still the funniest person I have ever met. I just absolutely love everything about them growing up...wait, scratch that...almost everything.

This guy. I mean seriously PBS. When can we get rid of this guy. First of the kid has been bald and ruining parent's lives since 1997. That is a whole lotta years of annoying the crap out of everyone over the age of 6. When I allowed Cassidy to first watched Caillou (almost 3 years ago now) I instantly knew I made a horrible, horrible life-altering mistake. I had to choose between Sesame (which we had seen every episode possible at least 8 times) and this seemingly harmless little boy who I had never encountered before. Silly, silly me. I pressed play, and this song came on... "I'm just a kid who's four, each day I grow some more! I like exploring, I'm Caillou" (you're welcome). Instantly my brain started to bleed. WHAT THE EFF IS THAT NOISE? It had to get better, right? Wrong. This "child" is the whiniest, brattiest, baldest punk ever. Seriously, he teaches kids how to whine and get their way. Besides the horribleness of the show itself, what the hell is up with the white around the picture? Why can't it just be a regular picture? See how it looks all foggy?

God I hate this tv show. I secretly think this was Canada's way of getting back at us. Eff you USA take this! Also, ready to have your mind blown. Did you know that the voice of Caillou is a...woman. YES. a woman. Or a girl, I googled it and there have been about 4 or 5 different actresses doing the voice of Caillou. You may not see this as a very important fact, but I do. 

So in conclusion, I love everything about watching my girls grow up. Except for this television show. Can't they bring back the good ole shows like Eureka's Castle, Gullah- Gullah Island or the one with the tree house...

I am thinking I will tell Cassidy that Caillou is no longer available on demand. Sure it is a lie, but hey, parents lie all the time, right?

Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014!

Another year has come to an end, a year full of memories good and bad. Life had it's ups and downs. And now that it is over, we all can start fresh, brand spankin' new. So cheers to Our New Year Resolutions. Want to hear mine?

NOTHING. 

Maybe I am the scrooge of New Years Resolutions, but you know what? What the eff ever. Who ever came up with resolutions anyways? And why do you have to have them on New Years? Say you decided you want to "get healthy" (like every other person in the world) but you come up with this idea in June, do you have to wait six months before you can make this resolution happen? Only to wait those six months for January 1st to roll around and break your resolution on day three because, hey...it was just a New Years Eve resolution, it's not like anyone will die from it, right?

There are two important lessons I have learned in 2013 and I wish to share them with you. Some of you may read these and be all like "whoa who pissed in her cheerios?" but for me, they are just honest realizations...

Stop taking everything so personal:
 Hey! Guess what! Not everything that happens in life is pretty. And not everything someone says to you is nice. Get.Over.It. Complaining on Facebook, bitching to a friend or crying yourself to sleep every night does only one thing, annoy the crap out of everyone else. So here is my resolution for you: Realize that every person in this world is different, they will not always agree with you. Doesn't make you wrong, and them right, it makes you an individual. If life is tough at this moment just remember you are in this tough place with the choices you have made, so rather than blaming it on "that black guy" or your boss who laid you off, realize I made the mistake along the way and I am going to learn from it. And please, learn from it. Which brings me to another resolution:

I will stop making the same mistakes over and over and over...and over:
Single again? Jobless again? Pissed off again? Sad again? Gaining weight again? I see it all the time. The same pattern happening over and over again and people wondering what they ever did to deserve such a fate. News flash! Have you realize through all the mistakes that have been made there is one constant denominator? YOU. So here is my resolution for you: I believe life is cyclical, kind of like the circle of life yah know? But there are things that you can change through this circle of constants. Such as reactions, expressions, emotions etc. If you feel like you constantly are being hurt in a relationship, change the relationship. Step outside of your comfort zone and pursue something outside of the box. Believe me, it is so worth it.

Those are two life lessons I feel I have learned, sometimes the hard way, in 2013. I have to say 2013 was a tough mother lovin' year and I am so happy to say ADIOS TURD NUGGET to it. I am open to 2014, I am open to the life lessons that will be thrown to me and I am open to the good that will come out of it, even if I have to drudge through the muck.

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

― J.K. Rowling